types and hypotheticals

i've noticed a real weakness on my part

the weakness is the difference between my actual self and my mental self
you see, mentally i'm a much better person than i actually am in real life
i imagine myself living better
i always hold my tongue [in my mind]
i rarely hurt others [again, in my mind]
and i'm totally committed to the way of love [once again, IMM]

but in real life
i'm nowhere close to these nobilities.

i think my problem is that i find it easier to love certain types of people when i can think about them safely from a distance, instead of actually being forced to talk with them.

i think i'm more generous with people of other faiths, other sexual orientations, other belief systems in my mind than i ever am in real life.

because,
when i think of these types of people
i'm really only thinking of hypothetical examples
not real circumstances

in my hypothetical mind
i love everyone and genuinely cherish they individuality and perspective on life
i listen well
honor
respect
and try to find common ground

now, to be fair, i really do want to do these things
i even think they're the things christ wants us all to do and do my best to teach and advocate

but in real life

i typically just ignore people that bother me

honestly,
i'm more likely to just walk away than pick a fight
but i find myself walking away more and more and more
instead of fighting
or even arguing
or even disagreeing
or even having an opinion
or even talking

which scares me

if i'm totally honest,
i know i'm actually retreating from encounters with real people [versus types and hypothetical people] more frequently because i'm exhausted, discouraged, and trying desperately hard to protect the world from my irritability.

but i think i'm learning that even though i'm not at my best
or even close
there is still an obligation on me to try and love the world more comprehensively
if i'm serious about following jesus.