Friday, March 7, 2008

i learned the word "processing" from randy

i've been processing a lot this week (i used to just say i was thinking about a lot of things, but i've been effected with the processing nomenclature since sharing space with ra-vo), but have been reluctant to blog about any of it.

i actually think that i have more weird thoughts about blogging than about almost anything else, such that whenever i start wrestling with something that (typically) other people would wrestle with on their blogs i react. most of my thought processes are private. i'm not really keen on being quoted in the midst of trying to come to terms with my true feelings and i often wait until i've reached some internal consensus before posting anything here.

does that make sense?

anyways, one of the funny questions i get asked from time to time is about pushing boundaries - why do i push them? why do i like it? where do i get off deciding which boundaries to push? etc.

now, i'm coming to grips with the fact that no one is likely to believe me when i say this, but i'm really not interested in pushing boundaries.

most of the time i do so it's by accident or ignorance or both.

i'm just doing the best i can to live guided by and governed by the spirit. not everyone hears me talking that way all the time, so it becomes tricky for them to reconcile what they've perceived about me in public with what they get from me here or in person, but it's true.

when you're preaching, your mind is so focused on so many concerns and details and pieces of information that you aren't too concerned with reflection. you can't reflect while preaching. you have to do all your reflecting before or after teaching. teaching/preaching is the presentation of weeks (sometimes months) of thought, prayer, consideration, study, and lived history.

consequently, people sometimes make the assumption that the confidence i display while preaching is simply the inherent confidence of a strong personality. this is not true. i have a strong personality, but it's bolstered during fusion by a host of other preparations and concerns.

all that to say that, in life, i try and spend a lot of time listening to the spirit, whereas in fusion people typically only see me teaching material i've already "listened on."

so...back to boundaries...

i really don't like to push them. i don't feel like pushing them. i don't get off pushing them. it's just not my thing.

my weaknesses, though, are when i feel like extra-biblical boundaries are pushing back at me.

i won't go into it a ton, but suffice to say i exhibit an embarrassing lack of self-control whenever i feel like someone else's boundaries have been forcibly applied to me. it's something that god is teaching me about myself.

so, i repent of that anger. i ask god to continue guiding me. i ask him to reveal my blindspots back to me in increasing measure. i want to be a godly person who is correctable, humble, editable, and cautious of others' preferences...without becoming a doormat, a figurehead, or someone completely consumed by the fear of man.

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